Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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