I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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