I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize