Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
