OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize