Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
