you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
