I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
