hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
