Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
