if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
