Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
