A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize