dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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