sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
