I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
