I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
