Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize