You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize