If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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