It's like God shit irony all over that family
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
