I am puke
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
