i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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