i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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