I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
