i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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