Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I am one with the molecules
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
