nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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