Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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