Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize