everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
