Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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