I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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