I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize