im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
