just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Let the clothes fall where they may.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize