Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
