He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
