According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
