you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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