i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
