Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
