i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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