Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
