Screwed.edu
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
