I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
