im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
