god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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