saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
