I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
