We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
