so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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