Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
