Soap is not a condiment
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
