i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
