Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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