I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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