textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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