birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
