I met the friendliest cop last night
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
