Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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