im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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