My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
