when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
