I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Randomize
