I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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