I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
