You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
